This past year was one of tremendous change and upheaval. From living in downtown Toronto to living nomadically in a van - it has definitely run the gamut in terms of all the places it has taken me.
2017 was the first year I wasn't actively pursuing post-secondary education, working full-time, taking courses/development in my field, volunteering or following a routine of any sort. Arguably it was the first moment I had to breathe (really ever) as I have been constantly moving/travelling/schooling/working since graduating High School 12 years ago. 2016 was a phenomenal year, packed with many intense joys and their equally devastating lows. It was a year of survival, finish lines, last-stretches and chapters closing. The magnitude of all of it framed what I hoped to accomplish in 2017: whatever I deemed as appropriate and fitting.
2017 was about shaking off unnecessary shit and getting to the root of myself. I made it as much about myself as I could - (un)learning, growing, healing and importantly: taking responsibility for myself. By putting myself out there and by digging in through hours of creative and personal work I was able to find a place where I could breathe. When I finally learned (for what felt like the first time) how to be present with myself, it became less and less important about what I didn't have, and rather, about what I was looking for. I spent the better part of 2017 mind-mapping, writing, journaling, doodling, crafting, creating, hiking, sleeping and digging into myself - and now that I'm here I can see more clearly what I need to move forward. As my goals and dreams manifest themselves on paper, it becomes less and less about newness and more and more about the consistency of practice. So here goes - the things that won't be making the cut in 2018.
THINGS I'M LEAVING IN 2017
WORKING HARD
I've always been the kind of person to follow the rules, wait my turn - you know, be a generally all-round decent human being. However when you realize the game is rigged and the rules don't matter; after you drift aimlessly in the abyss and wake up to the fact that you hold all the power - you start making up your own rules. This year I refuse to waste time or work harder than I have to - this year I am working smart.
ENTITLEMENT
The opposite of entitlement is gratitude. When something goes wrong or life slips outside of our control and expectations - how do we remain rooted in our experience, rather than deflecting our upsets upon others? How can we constantly shift between our own perspectives and others; in order to honestly examine our mutual areas for compassion and growth? How can we stop feeling entitled to "retribution" or "payback" to every small inconvenience in life and instead be incredibly grateful for whatever privileges we experience individually, collectively, socially, and so forth? I am exhausted by those who dismiss an attitude of gratitude - for that joy is worked for, and not easily earned. I can assure you - what you put in, you get back. If you have problems finding gratitude in earnest, I suggest an attitude check-in. Over the course of 2017 I've accepted that there are forces greater than I to which I can either be grateful for (thriving, growing, healing) or entitled (relapsing, exhausting, mentally unwell) to. By practicing compassion and reflection I can either choose to focus on what lifts me up - or I can choose to drown in what pulls me down.
JUDGEMENT
One of the things that gets in my way is my critical judgement. I mean in a way that I judge myself and others harshly and critically because I was grown this way. I was raised to cut people down and I survived my youth by deflecting that abuse outwards. We can't always inherit beautiful things, but we can also put a stop to them by creating new paths. It's exhausting constantly having your defenses up because you think other people are as sad and cruel inside as you are. Self-care and self-love have been one of the hardest hurdles to manage because my self-hate runs so numbingly deep. 2017 was a year of releasing old wounds, expelling spiritual infections, and forgiving myself for choices I no longer have power over changing. I'm leaving that hatred in 2017 where it belongs.
OVER-GIVING OF MYSELF
I have a tendency to want to help others. It's part ethics and part sickness; a want to do what is good and right while also a compulsion to want to find love in the emotional debts that others owe to me. I've spent too many years looking for love in places I will never find it; I've accepted too many abuses, assaults and disenfranchisements because of my unwillingness to learn from my mistakes. I've spent countless energy, hours and dollars in giving of myself away to anyone and anything; and I am not willing to sacrifice a second more. And while I may have harshly judged others in the past for choices they have made to which I do not agree with - I also use that as an opportunity to want to "fix their life" or show them where they've gone wrong. This not only wastes my time conjuring unsolicited advice for others - it completely shifts the focus away from myself (of course, intentionally). In focusing back on myself, I eliminate unnecessary output and contain my energy, focus and resources. By focusing inwards, I no longer seek love/attention/respect from outside sources, because my internal compass is the only thing I seek to follow. Over-giving is classically a trait of compensating for something else that is missing. I'm leaving compensation in 2017 too - I'm done undervaluing my worth.
RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS
In times gone by, I have willingly claimed responsibility for others lives and choices by either supporting them or helping to facilitate them. I have allowed others to skirt their responsibilities to myself (which ties into the aforementioned section as well). In realizing that I have autonomy over who gets to be involved in my life and how, it means I don't take it personally if someone doesn't want to take responsibility for themselves. Your life is yours, and as long as your life doesn't impede someone elses ability to live their life - then I have no problem with what you do with yourself. In fact, lack of responsibility shows me the kind of person you are and basically determines for me if you are worth my time. Wether you realize it or not, the actions you take are always showing who you are to others. My integrity is worth more than any ignorance. I won't be responsible for anyone else; I can only be responsible for me.
RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS PERCEPTIONS
Recently someone came to me because they felt I wasn't supporting them. They informed me of instances wherein I had not met their expectations of how I should have acted, responded or cared for them. I realized by speaking with this person that they were upset due to a fabrication of their insecurity upon me. While I am not above claiming responsibility for any wrongdoing on my part - it became clearer that it wouldn't matter because I would be pandering to unrealistic and unfair expectations that would only enable this person to feel entitled to their perspective of me. The key here is yes, responsibility, but also projection. I have spent years being a screen to which others have projected their issues, trauma, hangups, triggers. I can tell you that not only is it unproductive, it is unhelpful for everyone. By not taking responsibility for our trauma and triggers we obfuscate the point of the problem by pinning it on someone else - all the while ignoring the fact that we are the ones who have the power to take action and address or change our circumstances. I too have been guilty of this - we are all imperfect creatures. However, this persons hangups with me are in reality, something they have made up in their minds - and I won't be held responsible for that. I can now recognize when I am being pinned down by someone elses baggage, and you know what? I'm good, thanks. I have plenty enough already! This year is about cleaning my own house, and being responsible for the greatness I achieve. Nothing more, nothing less. Anything that you may have invented in your mind about me - that's for your plate. I can't be held responsible for that. By the same token, I offer the same in return: Your choices are yours, and you have to live with the choices you make. Leave projection in 2017 - trust me, we don't need it.
(EMOTIONAL) DEBTS
Look, we've all been through some shit. We've all made terrible choices, and great choices, and maybe we even missed a couple too. Nonetheless, I'm done feeling entitled to your apologies, amends, time, energy, being - whatever went down good or bad, to be honest, I don't care anymore. Relationships and events come into our lives and sometimes they also leave. When I consider how valuable my time is, every moment is sacred. My time is not best spent on the fact that we disagree, or disconnected, or fell apart. My time is better spent invested in things that yield me the greatest returns: joy, happiness, calmness, chillness, constructive relationships, positivity, gratitude. I've spent too many years hung up on the choices that others have made. In an act of compassion and clearing for myself I'm done keeping debts, memories and people who no longer serve me involved in my energy and life. My relationship to sanity, self worth and self care is the most important relationship in my life. Debts don't serve any of us.
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
We can all reminisce about what could have should have been - but what's the point? Life is constantly moving and shaping and by remaining present today I can respond to what life brings to me, in a better way. Tomorrow isn't here yet. Yesterday is already gone. That person who did us wrong may never know how much they fucked up our lives (or maybe they will) but what will it change? Nothing. By staying hung up on myself, my mistakes, the relationships or opportunities that no longer exist - I lose myself today, twice over. By learning the lessons presented to me, and remaining grateful for them despite how difficult they may be to internalize - I let go of useless, unnecessary, nagging baggage. I let go of expectations, wishes, hopes, dreams, mistakes, failures, misjudgements, missed-opportunities - I let go of fear, insecurity, and foggy vision. I have spent 2017 letting go of so many physical/mental/spiritual items - especially things I kept because I might use them "one day". Nope. What's done is done. Everything on every to-do list I never did - it's done now. Every unfulfilled intention, wish, goal, action - clean off the slate and start anew.
What am I leaving in 2017? Everything that no longer serves me.
What am I taking into 2018? I guess we're just going to have to wait and find out.