I've never really been good with going slow. Being gentle with myself, being patient with my journey and with lessons and needs and time. But the phrase keeps going through my head these days, reminding me to stay focused on my goals, but to be flexible enough to give myself human space and time and consideration.
After spending three weeks in bed, taking two trips to the hospital, having a cold, an asthma attack, ripped muscles and a litany of other pains and issues - I'm tired. Not only am I tired of being sick and tired, I'm tired of how much pain my body seems to be unable to escape. I tried to take a positive vibe to my pain last week, by getting up early to workout and eat right. I thought that taking an active response might get rid of my pain and ickyness faster. However, after two days of pulling it off, my muscles seized, and I developed yet more pain. I pushed, and was pushed back.
Last weeks effort/success ratio was about 3/7 or 45%. While I am bummed I couldn't push harder, I did what I could - and really, I am happy with my calm and cool about it. That only means that this week - granted I feel a little bit better, and get a little bit stronger - I can push myself, leaving space to strive past my previous accomplishments of last week.
Room to grow only.
I'm surprised, really. Over the last week I have managed so much determination to stick to my tiny and personal goals, but also consoled myself on the days that were harder than others. I gave myself room to breathe when I knew the odds weren't in my favour, and I didn't beat myself up over missed opportunities or failed attempts. I think more than anything - that is the quality that surprises me; inspires me. If I can be my own greatest fan, I can also inspire myself to push harder, be better. I can get to where I want to go, because I won't be wasting time getting down on myself.
Isnt that truly the greatest victory?
Not only does it help me feel like I can conquer my mental illness, it helps me feel as if the journey was worth it, and that there is a plan greater than me. That I'll make it one day. That I'll go where I want, and I'll do it strongly; gently.
Go gently.
Go.