If you are struggling with mental health - let someone know. Write it down, say it out loud; speak it, name it and please seek help. This article may not be for you (right now) just know that wherever you are is good, and that we all respect and approve your choices. Mental illness looks different for everyone. You are valid, real and loved. You matter. 

February 17th 2020.

Today in Ontario* is a national holiday that we call “Family Day”. One whole day in 365 mandated to provide time off to connect and be with family and chosen loved ones.

While holidays like these are a step in the right direction - social, familial and individual wellness is not a one-day-a-year task. Those with the privilege to access things like: time off - we know how important it is to keeping our mental, physical and spiritual health in-tact.

We all need time to be with ourselves and with our chosen families so we can rest, relax and rejuvenate our energies. The more we come to embody this idea, the more we realize how happy we are with what we already have.

Mental health is everyday health, and as someone who has dealt with their share of illness - I’ve learned a few things along the way.

MENTAL HEALTH ITSELF

At this moment I am currently a month into a medical leave from my job. I am lucky to work for a company that provides access to time and resources for me to get well. I’ve needed this break since mid-November - so it’s been a long time coming - however I find I often need time away to fully disconnect, in order to stay grounded.

2018 and 2019 were heavy, jam-packed years filled to the brim with travels and training (culminating in the UTHC125KM September 7th 2019). I ran 3 dozen races in two years as preparation. I traveled to Mexico twice for running retreats, in-between working full time for both my job and my personal practice. I started a business with my husband; was asked to do research for a PhD dissertation; PLUS there was all the normal life things that everyone has to do regardless. I told myself that once the big race was over, I would have time to rest (or so I convinced myself).

For upwards of two years I was managing my wellness. It had taken 2-3 years before that to even be able to manage it at all - so here I was thinking that these habits would last once I had found them. Since September 2019 I’ve been trying to renegotiate my balance because the rituals, supplements, habits and strategies no longer seem to hold power for the person I am becoming. It’s challenging trying to renegotiate when you’ve already succumb to burnout - lessons in balance that I keep learning over time.

I was coming off the heels of an intense training cycle where I was training every day, sleeping early, waking up early - to the complete absence of such. I thought it might be nice to rest for a while, so I weaned off of running and yoga, and reconnected with reading, embroidery and socializing.

I received a promotion to a new position at work while the season ramped up into the busiest time of the year. I still had commitments (workshops, research, events, etc.) that I needed to complete, so essentially I wrapped up my training cycle in time to supplant it with something different.

All of that that didn’t really support the notion of “rest” as it maybe should have.

What wasn’t normal I noticed, was the increasing mania that was creeping into my life. By December I was enduring full-blown discomfort, and was looping others in as to why I felt so miserable. Of course working in retail, December is the month we make all our money - and taking time off is virtually impossible. So while everyone was aware of my struggle - my ability to deal with it would have to endure until January, when it would actually be possible to address.

Ultimately, mental health can’t wait (sometimes we can only see that in retrospect).

WHAT IT’S LIKE FOR ME, SPECIFICALLY

If there is one thing I know about my mental health it’s that I will never pin it down. Like any other muscle in my body, it requires active practice and attention - and will surely let you know if you are not being diligent in your duties.

My mental illness likes to test. It likes to worm its way into my spirit to dismantle everything I know to be good and true. It uses anxiety and paranoia to make its way through all logic and tangible proof; it tests me by expanding and contracting my ability and skill to handle the practice. Manic highs collapse into crushing lows, and over time my natural resilience has all but withered up and died. Every time I think I have it figured out, it shifts - which only proves that sometimes patience is the best defence.

For me, balancing the extremities of my experience is important, as I tend to sway between doing too much or doing too little. Maybe the mania inspires the big goals? Maybe the big goals are necessary to both assuage the mania, and stave-off the depression? All I know is that I have always had big goals, and that I’ve done everything in my power to achieve them. The role my mental illness plays in how and when I accomplish those things - that I am still trying to figure out.

Day-to-day my mind, my hormones and neural connections wander and shift like drifting sands in the desert. This makes it endlessly challenging to create routine and structure. A ritual, activity, habit or supplement may work for a while in terms of assisting the function of my every-day self - however these strategies work until they don’t work anymore. Which means you are tasked to find something new when the old tricks run out. Constantly evaluating and checking-in and re-evaluating what is working and not working. This means practice, patience, acceptance, humilty and continual transformation.

CONTEXT

For those of you who may not know me yet, let me re-introduce myself: my name is MC Pace and I am Bipolar. Bipolar I to be exact. I have cycles that span across two to three years (and while this is still a work in progress in terms of figuring out what that looks like) I’ve known enough about this reality since I was 14 years old.

For much of my youth I was unabashedly manic. I would go upwards of 4 days without sleeping because I couldn’t stand the fear of missing out.

Until I began university at 18 I was able to get by on my greenness alone (a youthful, magical energy I am convinced I might never experience again). When I began university, the stress must have officially triggered my illness because I began hearing voices, getting paranoid, having anxiety attacks and ultimately pulling away from my life as a whole. It was all very new, and while I couldn’t (then) manage as well as I once did (prior), I was still managing well considering what was unleashed.

We all have trauma and inherited energy that manifests itself somehow in our behaviours and actions. I was learning was that my trauma was manifesting in a way that meant I put everyone and everything ahead of my own care - to please others, to seek love, and to be validated. I was chasing after things I had no business chasing - or that straight up didn’t serve me and my own vision. I allowed myself to be abused, cheated on; I maintained unhealthy relationships; I completely lacked boundaries; and had no suitable way of processing my experience.

Mental wellness requires us to be honest and forthright with ourselves about who we are and what we want to be. It can be deflating and awkward to check-in with these uncomfortable truths - however it is necessary action to be able to heal.

That particular cycle would endure well into my 20’s as I lived/worked/traveled around the world. It would eventually build into one of my biggest manic/depressive bout to date (2014-2016).

2014 through 2016 were dark, heavy healing years. I pulled myself back from the soul-crushing, self-destructive abyss by nothing but the skin of my teeth. I dealt with loss after relational loss, while putting myself through school (two degrees simultaneously). I was living in Toronto with my husband and working a super challenging job that gave me nothing but anxiety and stress. These years were the culmination of everything that came before them - my trauma, my youth, my early adulthood and the adventures therein. As these years wrapped up, I understood that I could no longer float by on luck and chance. I would have to work for my wellness, by investing-in, reflecting-on, and choosing: it. I made a commitment right there that I would do what it took, at all costs, to keep myself healthy. I quit my job, and we began hatching plans for what came next.

WHAT COMES NEXT

In 2017 my husband and I left it all and built a van that we travelled across Canada in. The year was still hard, but it was the chance I finally had to let it all go to make space for something new. It was the year I promised to myself, for the first time, that I would unapologetically put my own needs first - my mental, spiritual, physical, financial and relational health would be determined by my needs, and my needs alone.

For me, 2017 itself was about the messy letting go - and how I achieved this was by creating a situation (living in a van) where I had low costs of living with high choice/control over how I spent my time. I realized then and there that I had the power to create a life that would facilitate the needs of my soul and psyche - and that only by being in the thick of the mess could I know what those needs were.

When we eventually came home in the fall that’s when I began to feel lighter. Turns out that tuning into your mental and overall wellbeing allows you to process some shit and let it go.

I was now able to choose gratitude or resourcefulness when I hit a roadblock, instead of doing something self-destructive. I could endure; I was more resilient; and I was getting back to a version of myself that I once recognized. By October I was running again - something I hadn’t practiced successfully since 2014. By accepting how my body and mind uniquely functioned I got stronger and more able. As my abilities returned to a new-and-improved place, my excitement led to the jam-packing of my schedule - which may or may not have brought me to where I am now.

It’s really important to remember that mental health recovery is like recovering from an addiction. The battles are intrinsically linked. You will have relapses. You will get sick again. And your main goal day-in-day out is to stay checked-in to yourself; to stay engaged in the process. If we overload, take on too much - or take on that which does not serve our own visions and goals - we risk flipping everything. I am not perfect - as I too, despite my long-standing practice - can still get swept up in the rush.

Alas. Learnings.

SO IT’S LIKE THIS:

Sometimes we fall out of practice. An injury, event or transition in our lives consumes our full focus and attention. At first, we manage as best we can - and it’s often easy and exciting. Our excitement can wash over a number of details at first, however as it dries up, managing becomes increasingly challenging to maintain.

Think about a muscle in your body that is working at full force, constantly and without rest. You begin to shake. Pain increases. You see spots. You can’t maintain your balance. The second you stop you’ll crash. You won’t be able to get up again quickly. Think about that muscle, quivering and tearing against the amount it can manage. This is burnout. This is injury. This is not being aware of yourself and your needs. This is brutal and lasting.

There are many ways we respond to these ruptures - for myself (when I’m not doing well) I tend to tune out. This could look like going for an avoidance run or watching TV for hours on end. It could look like obsessively cleaning my house or it could look like me writing a dozen lists that I shove into a spot, never to see the light of day again. With regular practice I can recognize both healthy and poor habits - a key to staying in balance.

It’s one of the many reasons why our regular management of our wellness is so crucial. Our practice - whatever it may be for us individually - keeps us grounded and allows us a place to turn to when we get lost or fall off track. Moreover, the lessons from the practice give us the insight to be patient with our discomfort, while being flexible with our definitions of progress. Truthfully - I’ve learned everyday nuances

EVERY DAY WORK WE CAN DO TO STAY WELL

I used to think that I could manage my wellness when it was convenient, because I thought I could outsmart it. I’ve learned a lot over the years, and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I may never get to outsmart my illness - and that it’s okay. I’ve come to terms with both the healing and the letting go. I’ve come to terms with the fact that these struggles have been gifts, and that in order to continue pursuing my greatness I would need to be satisfied with enduring the struggle.

Nothing in this life is guaranteed - which means we should live each day with purpose, and also, that we have the power at any time to shift our trajectory. In this last year I accomplished so much that in 2020 I need to be okay with doing less. I’ve learned a valuable lesson in staying true to my path, and not taking on more than I am capable to do. I am so proud of what I have accomplished, and the discomfort I’ve felt over the last few months is a healthy reminder.

Our wellness is a practice that requires dedication and daily nourishment - and we are responsible for maintaining that practice. Our engagement is not a chore: it keeps us grounded, alive and well. When we stop practicing we disconnect from creativity, generosity and gratitude. We have a choice: to grow, or to decay.

Our habits and rituals make us into the places, relationships, jobs, hobbies that define us. So choose yourself, choose your mental health every. Damn. Day. When we do, we become better people for ourselves, and the world around us.

*Canada is a colonial nation. The land I am hosted upon is “One Dish, One Spoon” territory and settlement is possible via the Treaty of 1764, tended by historical and present-day Annishinabe, Mississaugas and Haudosaune Tribal Factions.