i spent the last two months of 2018 looking for what i wanted to accomplish in 2019. the first 10 months of the year had filled so full - i had accomplished so much, and none of it had been necessarily intentional. it had all happened through trust and chance and curiosity - and it was a lot.
after running seawheeze and spending 10 days around the west coast - i was exhausted. tapped out. i ran a couple more races, and continued to train - albeit at a much more reserved pace. i began to reflect upon the work i had accomplished up until then. i was standing in a place of looking back, and looking forward - and the the following two months gave me space to make choices on how i wanted to build upon the work i had done.
2018 was a big year for me. it was the first year i felt fresh and new, in a very long time. i was doing exciting things and i was putting myself out there. i did 12 races, including a 24-hour relay race and exploring the mountains of mexico. i started a new job, i became captain of my local run crew. i challenged myself to be a better athlete, community member, listener, partner, parent and friend. i camped, i cooked, i shared, i grew, failed, took time - and most of all, i had fun doing (most of) it.
2018 was a lot about trying new things and seeing how they fit with me. the years of 2016/2017 were so much about letting go of the energy and habits that were not serving me, that there was little room for newness. 2018 was like a fresh start - and it was awkward, as much as any newborn looks trying to learn how to walk - but i kept going. i kept trying and i kept searching for growth, healing and inspiration.
one of the most transformative moments was running in mexico. it was unlike anything i had ever done before - on every level. i was running up mountains in the desert where not many people spoke english or were familiar with outsiders. it shifted my whole perspective upon what i wanted for myself - and what i was capable of. the joy and support i received there changed me forever.
and then i came home.
we all know what it’s like to walk away from something so invigorated and inspired - like it all seems SO simple how could i not have seen it before. that’s the thing though: life isn’t about highs, lows, comebacks or failures - it’s about how we balance what we do with what we get; with how we get it - and how we want to give it back.
we all get handed something different in life. for some of us, it’s family shit. it’s inheriting violence, abuse, trauma, habits, rituals, addictions - or it’s not. we all have struggles, and we all have bad days, and tough shit to go through - and for some it’s a heck more than others. while this doesn’t hardly seem fair, it’s also not up to what we’re given to decide who we are and what we should be.
we never have to be placed in a box. we can always change our minds about what we want. we can always start again. we can always take a take-two. we can reinvent ourselves daily. we can be angry. we can resent it.
and at the end of the day - we have to get on with it. so we balance.
sitting and reflecting in 2018 brought me a lot of joy in my accomplishments - but also a lot of pain, as i tried to reconcile the seemingly unfair rules of life. 2017 was all about letting go, and attempting to build a more unapologetic attitude, in terms of speaking my mind and asking for what i needed. while i thought i had it under control, there were times in 2018 where i was faced with the problems of feeling like things were “unfair” - and i was repeatedly faced with a choice.
do i get pissed about it? or do i go out and do something about it? do i wallow and feel sorry for myself? maybe for a little while… but then what? 2018 was the year i learned how deep my self-sabotage really runs. learning new things can be hella painful - but that pain is where the healing begins. once you learn something, you can’t un-learn it. you can’t un-see it, un-feel it. once you learn something you have a responsibility to create action behind it. especially when it comes to dismantling highly-engrained destructive, growth-negative habits.
2018 challenged me to follow through with fundamentally re-wiring my being; letting go of growth-stifling habits and patterns that couldn’t free me to become something new.the way of living i inherited as a child is not the way i see my life being lived as a choice-making adult. i’ve worked very hard to say “i can let go now” - so i am.
this past week i was confronted with a mild segue in my mental health. weeks of training, travel, work, life had work me down and was fucking with my head. i called in sick, and luckily was able to get time off work to sit and reflect upon what was going on.
at first it was just nice to sit and relax. i pulled out some embroidery, as well as started to write and draw and read. i slept as long as i could, and i didn’t try to think about work or anyone else. to my surprise it was one of the most nourishing weeks i’ve had in a while - and it didn’t take as much effort as i had thought.
part of my stress was the fact that january and february had been so full that i had barely a moment to breathe. i traveled again to mexico; along with running, crossfit, yoga every day, and of course work and life. i was also trying to write for this very blog - and despite hours of writing and trying to get my thoughts on paper - nothing arrived, and i was stuck. like many of you, my room became less tidy, and i would skip on things here and there (as some kind of defiance?) - needless to say it wasn’t working.
taking the time to sit and be quiet - to not see a single soul and to think on my own terms - i realized that i was out of balance. we’re sort of raised to believe that it’s all or nothing in life, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. life is a long-distance game. at 30 i already feel as if i’ve lived 1000 lifetimes and i can’t imagine what it will feel like when i am 60 (or 90).
balance is a constant endeavour that can never be taken for granted. i think in my excitement for how much stuff i was up to in 2019 overlooked the crucial and critical basic steps of taking care of everyday life: rest, quiet, preparation, action and balance. if the basics aren’t in place, nothing else will stick.
lesson learned.
coming out of this past week i am reinvigorated. during my time alone i wrote a lot, i organized my days and my scheduled and my priorities. i made cheat sheets of information i need for life - and i posted them where i could see them. i updated my calendar, vacuumed and moved furniture. i created a space for my yoga and stretching supplies, and moved my workspace to a much more productive location. i changed the sheets. did laundry. all the basic things that make life easier and more complete. all the things that need to be done, that we put off - that will still be waiting for us when we get around to it.
i’m re-grounding in my vision of what 2019 will look like for me - now more than ever, through the lens of balance. does it bring me joy? does it bring me growth? healing? rest? riches? reality?
don’t get discouraged. you will always take a risk that won’t pay off. the key is learning about what keeps you nourished - and then following that. keeping it close. this is balance. learning, trying, failing, realizing you’re way off track, coming back.