TW: suicide, mental health.

IT’S BEEN A CHALLENGE

In the last ten years I’ve lived and worked around the world. I’ve lived in Central/Eastern Europe and Asia as a teacher, mentor, facilitator, art therapist, conflict transformationist and peacebuilder.

I am a runner, writer, nomad and guide - who also happens to be Bipolar. This has informed quite a lot of my journey, as many of the adventures I’ve put myself through over the last decade were intentionally designed to seek healing for both my mental illness and personal trauma.

Through these travels I have learned an incredible amount, from: being completely alone in a foreign country and having to survive cultural/language barriers; to: what it takes to be a whole, balanced, reflective and radical human being in our modern world.

Right now, our world modern world is being tested. I write this from home, in week 5 (or 6?) of government-sanctioned quarantine related to COVID-19. Truth be told, I’ve been home in a mostly isolated state since January (on a medical leave from work). I’m on week 15 of not going out, seeing people or generally connecting in community.

It’s been a challenge.

Having all the time in the world has confronted many of us to start dealing with and doing the things we put off for “when we have the time”.

For me, it’s reminded me a lot of endurance, and that to which I have endured: running, races, events, work, jobs, relationships, travels, depression, suicide, healing and growth.

I am absolutely positive (you, reading this) have endured your fair share of shit too - we all have. And you, reading this, might still be deep inside the abyss: and that is 100% okay. Our journeys themselves, while complicated and arduous, will lead us to a place where we can reflect and take stock of all that we have learned. We can’t rush it or force it. Often, it’s not until we see the growth in front of us that we realize we’ve changed; and yet, we always are.

GETTING HIT WITH THE UNEXPECTED

The unexpected can rock us, knock us down; however we can cope and strategize to maintain movement and create resilience. Our daily practices and rituals that keep us grounded in “normal” times aren’t for show - they are to create embedded habits into our routines and muscle memory that allow us to stay grounded through the hardest, weirdest and most unexpected of times.

For me, the unexpected has regularly brought a sense of dark humour and divine magic to my experience, a process through which I haven’t always been grateful for. If we are unaware or disconnected from our experience; if we haven’t broken out of our unhealthy patterns and choices to be able to reflect upon what isn’t working - we won’t be able to imagine what will work for us.

For me, this process and journey towards gratitude has been years in the making - complete with plateaus, epiphanies, victories and relapses. It’s all led me to where I am today: here. A place where I am clear on who I am and what I want (in this present moment, of course); a place where I am aware of how to use my privilege, power and potential; a place of acceptance and letting go of that/those which does/do not serve me.

While the unexpected may lead us down a wild path - gratitude can be a wise and worthy companion. For both in this present moment, as well upon celebration of all we have accomplished, can we entertain multiple possibilities/realities/options. We can hold them, change them and remove them.

Gratitude teaches us how.

“GRATITUDE IS THE OPPOSITE OF ENTITLEMENT”

A few years ago someone said this to a group I was working with. It completely broke my brain. In that moment I was pulled up and out of my body to examine my entitlement - something, as a white kid with privilege, you’re more or less trained to understand as your given right.

And isn’t that exactly the point?

With COVID-19 wreaking havoc upon the world, we’re witnessing a lot of gratitude - and yet we’re also seeing an incredible amount of entitlement. Dangerous, selfish, unethical entitlement, at that.

And as frustrating as it is to sit by and watch systems/groups/individuals disobey common sense and decency, I am not about to police behaviours. We all know what we’re doing when we make choices, and eventually, we will have to live with the results of our choices.

Which is also the point.

Gratitude allows us to see what is right in front of us. It is observational and objective. Global pandemic or not - it is a practice we can use to dissect and dismantle systems, while revolutionizing self care and self love. By beginning from within, we individually contribute towards the shift of the collective. Gratitude isn’t about outward judgement - but rather inward reflection; be it of bias, self-hate, mental illness, or even more complex issues like race and gender. YES. Outward accountability is important and YES we must continue to call out all hate and hateful abhorrence when we see it. However we personally are not accountable for all things. We can’t be 100% ethical, correct, or informed. Sometimes we may be able to help, sometimes we might be barely able to cope.

Self preservation is never selfish - it’s gratitude for your own worth in action.

I am sure there are a multitude of perspectives beyond my current scope (let alone my own shifts in understanding as I continue to seek perspective and insight). In valuing/witnessing/sharing our experiences/struggles/victories as they happen in real time, we continue to value the role they play in our lives - which inevitably led to where we are now: here.

THE PRACTICE OF GRATITUDE

I call myself a guide intentionally because I am not a healer.

You are.

You got yourself here, and you will take yourself away from here.

We all hold the keys to our own growth and development, and it is also up to us to pursue the search.

Gratitude in practice looks like:

handling discomfort with curiosity and patience
checking inwards, cross-referencing trauma and triggers
deciding what you need and what you might need to accept
learning new things and trying them out
following your gut and your impulse
until you’ve found your footing (and if you trust you will, if you work towards it - you will).

For me, gratitude was the biggest game changer. When I was struggling with my deepest depressions, I also struggled with wanting to die. The numbness was intolerable and I just wanted it to stop. There was no gratitude. Not an ounce. In fact, I might argue that gratitude and wellness are correlated - and that they are a great indicator of where you’re at and what you have available to you.

For me in that time I had no space. I was packed, overflowing, burnt out, sick, ill - every day I made it through was a success. Back then, I wouldn’t have felt grateful for my resilience or strength. I felt weak and like my life was falling apart. I felt pathetic and miserable, and I couldn’t yet recognize the roots that were digging into me, supporting my gentle and patient growth.

Gratitude will take time, as will unpacking bias, privilege, trauma, history. After all, that’s why we call it: practice. We get to return, day after day, to ourselves and our shit. We get to edit, transform, reject, shift and create rituals and boundaries that support who we want and need to be.

WHAT IF YOU NEED SOME HELP GETTING STARTED?

Below you will find a few exercises that can support you in your development.

They’re simple and by no means comprehensive - if you have more share them in the comments!

1. ask questions: what do I need right now? what’s missing? who do I need to speak to? connect with? what is this feeling? why am I feeling it?
   —> it’s good to have a journal close by if that works for you, you can also record a voice note on your phone or check-in with a friend/support.
   

2. create grounding rituals: from the moment we wake up to when we fall asleep we have habits and rituals that dictate our choices - are we connected or disconnected? do we know what they are? could we define them? do we need to shift them?
   

3. watch great talks, podcasts, content: i like to write quotes that speak to me and post them on my wall so i remember to check-in with myself. i like to hear stories of people who have learned lessons and have insight. i like to connect with social media content that empowers me to be who I am.
   —> social media could be a whole different post, however its worth saying that what you consume also contributes to who you show up to be. choose what you follow with care!
   

   Be sure to check out my corresponding talk with Aire Libre about “Gratitude in the Face of the Unexpected” happening Live 7PM CT / 8PM ET April 27th!