When I think back on 2016 I am immediately inundated with the aspects of failure. The creeping, lingering and stagnant fear; freezing me to my core; which has worked painstakingly to sever my heart from my mind and my limbs. I begin to swell and spiral in the moments missed, lost, slept-through, passed-over; along with the heart-breaking work, tangible pain, crushed dreams, limitless devastation and loneliness of it all. 

Yet in that, there is a lot of accomplishment that I have missed. I got married this year to the love of my life. I completed - not only a Masters Degree - but an Art Therapy Degree that I have been simultaneously working on for the last four years. I wrote a 200 page thesis paper, and completed 3 weeks of intensive oral exams. I traveled across Europe and Canada. I quit a job that was that was quite literally killing me. I dismantled toxic relationships. I stepped more into my own as a survivor and warrior. I walked/danced/ran/moved over 5500km. I completed hours of personal therapy in my greatest battle yet. Most importantly - I did not succumb to my mental illness. I have lived through 2016 to tell this tale.

It hasn't been easy, mind you. Death knocked. Fear rattled. Paralyzation reigned. Sadness lurked. Numbness hovered. But also life - it lived. Articulation. Love. Hope. Possibility. Learning. And most importantly: failure.  

The reason I associate fear and failure with 2016 is because they were so integral to how I lived - and how I've become accustomed to living. In my reflections about 2016 I realized that the reason I experience failure, is because I set impossibly high standards for myself and then I am upset when I fall short of my goals. 

How this works out is like this: you pick up a goal or a hobby or a task. Instead of gearing up slowly or training yourself properly before going for the big stuff - you go all in, with the indomitable spirit and reasoning that if you will it, if you want it bad enough, it will happen (this, herein, is me, in a nutshell). As a kid and young adult I was pretty talented (you could call it lucky, also) and I always found a way to accomplish a task I set out on. I was clever, passionate and full of energy, and I spent a mere 5 hours asleep each day - affording me 19 hours (or more) to tirelessly pursue physical and mental achievements as I wished. That being said, who you were once is not what you will always be, and as I tried to jam-pack 2016 (like I did 2015 and 2014) full of work, travel, school, tuition payments, running goals, plank and squat challenges, painting, writing, blog-keeping, fundraising, networking - the list goes on - I began to give up at an alarming rate because I just couldn't care enough about the work or the struggle to get the accomplishment.

Why?

1. I am not the person I used to be
2. I am a whole new person, needing an adjustment of goals and methods, and style
3. I need to set realistic goals (this is probably the most important thing I have learned)
4. I need to be more accepting of my limitations and missed-accomplishments by being a better cheerleader, caregiver, and lover of myself and what I did complete or accomplish.   

Now it could be argued that I haven't been that person in over 5 years. However, it's taken me a long time to come to terms with that fact - that my brain and my heart aren't exactly wired as they used to be. A lot of this has to do with the exhaustion of mental illness. While I have battled it for over 15 years, it is a well-known fact that mental illness - Bipolar in particular - can become increasingly challenging with age. It didn't help that I was in a stressful job, that I was pushing myself to do all the things, and that I couldn't quite comprehend the meaning of self-care fully, and realistically, until recently. 

In continuing along with why I associate fear and failure with 2016 - fear played such a huge role (like stress), and yet, I didn't even know it (for a loooong time). Only within the last few months have I been able to name fear, name stress, name sadness, anger and exhaustion - and in that naming alone, I have realized just how much these qualities have gripped me. Regarding failure - I became paralyzed with fear that I began to justify the reasons why I lived the way I did. Much like living in an abusive relationship (which I have done, and do not ever wish to repeat again) I began to internalize the fear and failure as my own ineptitude - rather than the chaos and high-demand of my surroundings. I began to validate my ineptitudes, crumbling under the weight of my own disappointment and dissatisfaction. I felt trapped and secluded, and I rationalized that "as soon as I..." finish school, graduate, travel, relax, move on, etc. etc. that "I would finally" feel, sense, get, enjoy the the things that I needed (and deserved). 

Even writing this now I cringe, as I was so blocked off from the world and myself that I would allow something like that to overcome me. Writing this now, I remember evermore the mantra of letting go, and how necessary it will be to my 2017.

I have worked so fucking hard over the last 4 years that I have almost lost myself - really, the only thing I need in the whole wide world. Realizing this slowly over the last three or four months, the promise of a fresh start, a new year, calls to me like a light upon the horizon. In a therapy session one afternoon with my brilliant therapist, she painted me an image - an image of myself, where I am at, right now. Like green earth buried under snow, I am waiting. I am not dead, dying or forgotten; I am merely waiting for the thaws of spring.

Well bring on the spring.

Bring on 2017. Bring on life, and passion, and whoever this new person is that I am becoming. Bring on the absence of fear. Bring on the unwaivering dedication to self love, self care and self preservation. Bring on newness. Bring on lightness. Bring on humility, and gratitude, and realistic healthy goals that burst me forthwards to the sun, blooming with colour. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Fearful. Resentful. Heavy. Bring on the glory that is my own unfolding. Letting go of all that does not serve me. May we all find the love and peace and learning that we are searching for. 

May we all live to our greatest potential.