When we begin to lose all hope, it's because we can't see the light on the path in front of us. We are lost and overwhelmed; we don't know where to take the next step because anything could mean anything - it could be an arbitrary advance into nothingness, or if we're lucky, a stable step in a positive or desired direction. 

Now don't get me wrong. We need to take steps in all kinds of ways to truly find out who we are and what we're made of. Our journey's are never going to be linear. What means forward to some, might mean backwards for others - so negate any descriptive language as a judgement or bias. Rather consider, what does it even mean to move along in a meaningful and positive way?

I would classify the last few years as a ferris wheel. Around and around, repeating the cycle; highs and lows, as well as terrifying and awkward stops somewhere along the middle. Before that, my journey was like a bouncy ball attached to a paddle; I was bounced all over the place yet I always returned to home base, with the propulsion to be launched off somewhere out into the world again. Life has never been straight nor forward. Navigating my definition of what it means (or what it has meant) to be "moving forward" has plagued me for over two decades - and it takes a long time to unlearn tendencies and habits that we fall into without noticing. Even more still, our relationships with others, society, culture, capital reinforce and exacerbate our own expectations and perceptions. But I guess that's where the magic is. 

I think I've been through a lot, and even being able to define a small part of my journey is liberating. However I'm still not satisfied. Every day I'm battling with myself and my perceptions of what I need to be doing, where I need to be going, and what I need to be a part of. Part of me feels like the bouncy ball has snapped off its string and is flying and bouncing down the street, chaotic and wild; another part of me feels like I cannot define, just yet, that exactly to which I am currently experiencing. 

I'm sure that will change again. 

Coming to terms? I'm not sure I'm equipped (just yet). Up and down, at least my experience and experiences yield me good favour in new situations. And I guess, again and again, I can be thankful for that.