The last two years have been a clusterfuck. To say the very least. They were two years of unbearable lows, inescapable depression and numbness, paired with a litany of work and struggle to attempt to complete my Masters Degree. 

In all honesty, when I graduated this past June I thought I would be elated. I imagined accolades, celebrations, love, joy and satisfaction knowing that I had not only completed it - but annihilated it. While I aced every single exam (during my three straight weeks of them) I was left with this discomforting feeling upon graduation that it wasn't really complete, or rather, that it wasn't really as amazingly relieving and accomplishing as it should have been. 

Cue to now: I am working, returning to running, as well as returning to myself. I am making time for chores and home tasks that have been left waiting; I am making time for running, stretching, walking and living for myself again. I'm not going to pretend this isn't equally as hard as having so many things to do - because it is - and like most things, I am out of practice and out of step. 

Many different images come into my head when I think about where I am now. In therapy yesterday, I kept getting the image of muscles, and how, for example: running, writing, habits and so forth; are out of shape from lack of use. While I haven't completely abandoned running over the last two years, I was nowhere close to accomplishing my milage of 2013, for example. And while I wrote a 200 page Masters Thesis - I wasn't writing, per-se, in my blog, or creatively. There are many muscles that have become apathetic over the last years, and it's time (rather, I finally have the time now) to get them back into shape. 

It takes time, and it takes work. For all the time spent not using a skill or quality, all the more time it takes to really get going again. I've been terrible over the last little while being patient with myself as I decide to get back into certain behaviours and habits. I say to myself, "okay, go, today, hurry, GO" and then expect my sheer willing of it to compensate for how impatient and eager I am to get back into step. How is it realistic or helpful to push myself into something that I know I'm not ready nor prepared to do? It's like saying "I'm going to start running today" and then going out and attempting to run 10km on your first go. Of course, you're going to have a horrible time. Of course, you're going to reel in pain - that is, if you even make it that far. It's unrealistic to believe that we are capable of doing great things when we aren't capable of allowing ourselves the time and patience to do it. It's furthermore unrealistic to set ourselves up for such demanding and failure-rich potential outcomes. As painful as it can be at times, we need to start and say "I will try 1km today", even though we know we are capable of so much more.

The point is not that we're capable - we are all infinitely capable of magic. The point is that we want that magic based in truth and honesty, built in strength and ability over time. We don't (or rather, shouldn't) accomplish goals because we want approval or validation from anyone or anything. We set out to accomplish tasks because we are impassioned and curious - full of desire to complete something that grows and nurtures us.

I never started Grad school because I wanted something. I wanted to learn something that would allow me to use my talents and passions in the world. However great that was, I lost myself along the way, amidst the never-ending work, the burnout and a particularly low-mood cycle. It's going to take some serious time, and some serious steps to not only return, but to move forward. The only way I'm going to accomplish that is by taking it one step at a time.